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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 3, Part 1: Separation
Common sense would suggest that we have an equal share in the lives of our children and what we have built. I truly sit here every day wondering what it is that prevents us from simply parting. I admit that I will always believe that what you have done is a disgrace to the concept of marriage, and I will always believe that you should be ashamed of yourself.
I told you before that my idea of ethics would suggest that you should have left a long time ago, because of your actions and because of what I have felt for you. I understand by now that this might never happen, for some reason I do not know and for some reason I likely will never understand and agree with. But, it is what it is, you are here and you won’t go without taking what you want, every piece you can get, and what others may tell you that you should take.
I only can defend myself with what I have and at this point I am willing to use whatever I have. Somehow I have run out of patience and I believe that you anyway do not notice the emotional and material damage you have caused already. Whether you take it as a threat or not, if you attack me in any way, I will not hesitate to strike back with everything I have, no matter how it will affect me in the end.
I do not know what I have to do that you will stand by what you say. I cried over the fact that my life was broken, I am fixing it without your help, you are even hurting me, as it seems, every time you can and all that I am asking for is to part ways.
It seems that people my age think that working too much is not a reason to justify what you have done. Most of them would have wanted a husband who feels the need to take care of the family in this way. They have a different approach of how they take care of their family, the feeling what their responsibilities are and in some way, I feel, since they are a few years older than you are, that they have so much more experience than you. You had different priorities, priorities I now know I cannot and do not want to live with. You turned from someone I once loved so much into a person I have no idea who she is.
Recently, however, I believe we have made some progress and I hope that after giving you an offer for the buyout of the house, what is somewhat absurd to me anyway, since there is so much about me in this house and I still believe that you should have left in shame, you may finally leave. That always reminds me that you tell me to leave. Can you really believe that you would have the nerve to ask me to leave? You would want me to give the house to you after what you have done to me? Why would I reward you and say “thanks for cheating on me in our home, here’s the house as a thank you.” You must be kidding.
You also know that I will not take any less than 50% of the time with the children. You can’t cheat on me, rip my life from me and then expect that I will give up my children to you. I am their father, I always tried to be the best father I could be and I strongly disagree with some decisions you have made. I don’t want to be angry, but these are our, not just your or mine, children and the divorce does not change the fact that I am not giving up my promise to them. I will hold on to it more than I have ever done before. I believe I know what your interest in time with the children is and I was told that, in the end, every divorce comes down to money and this is what it seems to be the case here as well.
It is somewhat funny to see you stating that you are not materialistic and then seeing you driving around in a $50,000 SUV, wearing Prada sun glasses, plenty of new clothes, Burberry coats, Vuitton and coach purses, Calvin Klein bags, etc. Perhaps materialism is on a different level for you than for me. I guess that just happens and I feel that you could not handle what we had.
You tell your friends that you have lost confidence in the law, you want to end this three-ring circus and they reply to your Facebook threads that your husband will get what he deserves. And I sit here, after you have cheated on me, taken my life from me in the most violent way I can imagine, you want me to pay for your life and you do not agree to 50:50 time with the children. I am asking you: Who should lose confidence in the law? Should I be punished for too much working or you for cheating? Why would I deserve more than I already have been hit with? What more is there that you can do to me? How much more pain do I deserve? How much more until you are happy? When are you satisfied? Shouldn’t the law come down crashing on you?
When we talk about the law, and you say “it is the law” – a phrase I feel is so incredibly inappropriate when you tell me what the law says about a relationship that was built upon love and impacts our children – and I tell you about my intentions, you always say I am threatening and I am harassing you. It is a matter of interpretation what it really is. Every filing against each other is a threat in that sense. And if you look closely at it, we can drag this out, entirely destroy each other’s future lives and more importantly, those of our children.
If you look at the law and what the female has against the male by default, the male has no other choice but to build a defense and that is what I did. Well, I could also bury myself some days when I see that you can sign contracts and simply retract from them later on, and that you and your lawyer can make up claims that have no merit, without having to face any consequences. This is not my understanding of what the law should be. In a divorce, the woman is the threat by default, at least when the husband has been cheated on and wants to remain in their children’s lives. Now you say I plotted against you. No. You plotted by meticulously planning and setting up an affair. How can it be a plot when I am creating a defense to protect me from you?
Creating a defense is, I believe, natural behavior, a natural feeling for survival. I hope that I will meet the lawmaker who has come up and supports the no fault idea in divorces. Seriously, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever come across in my life. If I figure out one day who was the legislator pushing through the no blame idea, I will have a serious word with him. At this point, I am convinced that only a cheater or a completely delusional person could approve a no blame idea for divorces and state that adultery is no reason for divorce. You said I should have thought about the no blame situation in this state when I married you. Really? Is this what you think about when you get married? No, it is not. It was another confirmation that you are not the person I want to be with. I married you for different reasons and I did not think about divorce and what could cause a divorce when I married you.
I would agree with a law that does not give you anything in an adultery situation. You knew you would risk losing your family in exchange for an affair. You told your guy that you were aware of this. You accepted the risk. Then you played your cards and you lost. But in this state you can lose and still take down the house. This is everything but fair in my mind. You played, you lost. You leave the table with nothing. That is how it should be, but I understand that we have different values in this respect and that you will take whatever your lawyer can get for you. He said that he will squeeze every penny out of me that he can get. He smiled at me and said, “Just accept it. Divorces make people poor.” What a disgrace to the law system in this country. And he claims to be having you or our children in mind.
As far as ethical and written law is concerned, I have learned that you have no respect for me. It is funny how quickly we could turn what I believed was the perfect love into incredible hate.
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About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how the story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
