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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 5: Perception Is Everything, Perception Is Nothing
There was someone I felt I could trust when I learned about your cheating. It was your dad. He had given me advice more than a year before this had happened, when I told him about what you were doing on Facebook and when he told me that he would consider it cheating.
For some reason, I had a special relationship with your dad. Never emotionally close, but a connection with a very respectful interaction. You know that it always bothered me that he needed to teach everyone about everything. That it was his word that counted. I learned that he enjoys sharing his experience and I did not mind listening for the sake of the family, but sometimes it was just too much. I just don’t need to be told how often I need to fertilize my lawn. I do not need to be told how long you have to bake a turkey or ham. And I certainly do not need to be yelled at and be lectured when he feels that he wants to see our children, on my time with them.
Your mom was a different case. She was always gentle and nice when I was talking with her. I have no idea what it was, but, in the end, she often played you against me and I am glad I do not have to be afraid of this game anymore. I often wondered about your relationship with her, that she tried to be your best friend and you rejected her every single until the time of our divorce, when you suddenly wanted to be best friends with her as well. Remember how often I told you that you should treat her with respect and you simply yelled at her? Remember how often you made fun of her? She wanted to be your friend on Facebook so desperately and you blocked her from seeing your posts, knowing how hurtful it was.
In the weeks after the cheating you suddenly began cuddling up with her, after stating so many times that you really did not consider her your mother and your parents not your family. Often I thought I must have been in the wrong movie.
Realistically, I was your mom’s enemy, the person who took her daughter. I always felt that way, but I trusted you that I would not have to worry. I was wrong. In the end, I was never popular enough for you. I never was able to earn your respect.
I always hoped that your family could be my family. I did whatever I could do for them. Sometimes I thought they had accepted me as their son, but they did not. There was always a different measure I had to live up to, much higher than you or your distant brother had to. Despite your mom’s reassuring words earlier this year, that they wanted me to remain part of the family despite of the divorce, both your mom and dad dropped me like a hot potato. Somehow I believed they could be mediators in our divorce, but I accepted their wish to stay out of the divorce. Of course, they did not, they fueled the fire and engaged in what is generally perceived as alienation.
I am especially disappointed by your dad. Never did I think I would lose him, but I did. It took time to realize it, but I can live without your parents and be just fine. In fact, I really do not want to interact with them anymore. In recent weeks, they have showed very little understanding for my feelings, and I do not intend to be the caring son-in-law I once was anymore. I am pretty sure they can live without me just fine as well.
Your family needs a son-in-law I never was. There needs to be something artificial, unnatural about this someone. Someone who can create perception and someone who can accept a certain perception that may not reflect reality. A certain kind of happiness that really does not exist, to play in a game of deception. A game with a character that was not me.
I have played this game for 11 years. I feel relieved that I do not have to play it anymore.
Strangely enough, I never perceived it as a game in the past. It somehow had become a habit. It was more apparent than anywhere else with your dad’s social activities. From the very beginning, your dad wanted me to come along with him to his monthly club meetings, even if I was not really part of your family yet and I was more than 20 years younger than the next youngest person he interacted with. It was always awkward to be there, but I wanted him to be the proud father-in-law he wanted to be. I wanted to be polite and I knew he expected it from me in some way.
At those social events, he always presented me to others with a certain sense of pride, which always made me feel strange, because your brother should have been there instead of me. But your brother never wanted to go, he never had to go, and he never felt guilty. I always felt guilty when I was not able to go, even if I could have cared less about those activities. I always felt your dad needed me to create a picture of a happy family life and needed to portray me as someone I was not, but as someone he could be proud of in front of all those CEOs, physicians, lawyers, ambassadors, politicians and pilots.
I was part of the game to make him happy, not me, and, in some way, I feel bad for him that everything has come this way, since I know how important these activities are for him. But, perhaps, just perhaps, this whole situation gives your happy family a reality check what a divorce really means, how much pain it carries, what you have done, and that I have done more for you than just mowing the lawn. Sorry, I could not resist mentioning this one. I somewhat will always remember your words: “What else have you done than cutting the grass on the weekends?”
You are right. I was a terrible husband.
On the other hand, I often wondered why you never had any interest in my family. It would have been nice if you had shown interest in my parents and reached out to them, in the same way I reached out to your parents. You never wrote an email to my mom, never a phone call, never a card. This became so apparent to me when I met someone else, who I feel is incredibly caring, and whose thought was that she needed to contact my mom and reach out when the time was right. This is what she wrote in her email to my mom:
“I just wanted to take the opportunity to say hello to you and let you know that I am so honored to be able to contact you. I want you to know that I care about and love your son so very much, and I am so grateful that he and I met each other. I realize that he is going through a difficult time with his divorce, and I want you to know that I will support, encourage, and care for him always. I look forward to the day when you and I can actually meet each other in person, and I hope that it is some time very soon.”
It was a simple email, but it made me cry. I always wanted you to reach out this way to my family, but you chose not to. Not sure why. Maybe this is just another sign that there was not enough attention paid to each other. It was important to me, but not to you. It hurt me, but I accepted it.
More Lifecasts: Allison Nazarian | Shannon Ball | Letters To A Cheating Spouse
About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how the story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
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