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Money Does Not Buy Love: 9 Single Parent Holiday Tips
A few days left to Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Time to think about Christmas and checking your bank account how far it will go. It is also a time to reflect how your year was, what went well and what did not. For many single parents, the holiday season can be a rough time, balancing the fact that you will not see your children on days you used to and figuring out ways to cope with the pressure of buying Christmas presents. Here are nine tips to help you readjust and reduce stress.
1. Money, gifts, sweets and indulging don’t “make up” for anything. Your child is going to have TWO Christmases. No need to feel guilty. Most kids say the dual holidays are the best thing about being a divorced kid.
2. If possible, make your plans with your ex-spouse ahead of time and stick to them. Let the kids know where they will be and when. It helps them feel in control. Let them make only age appropriate decisions. A good rule of thumb: If it is not a decision you would let your children make while you were married, then don’t let them make it now. Let your kids be kids.
3. Be flexible. No, this is not a contradiction of #2. It means that S—T happens. So if your ex is two hours late because of an ice storm or because cousin Joey showed up late, try to let it go.
4. Keep your anger, resentment, annoyance, disgust about your ex, his sports car, his girlfriend, his family, to yourself. Remember, your kids are part of both of you and when you slam him, your child feels slammed as well.
5. Do not make your children responsible for your happiness. “Go have a good time with Dad in Jamaica, while I sit here miserable and all alone,” only breeds resentment and guilt in your child.
6. Don’t compete. If he can afford more than you – fine. Rather than resenting his/her father, appreciate that your child can experience things you can’t buy him. Don’t overspend to keep up. Make memories by doing fun things together – bake cookies, read a Christmas story, build a snowman. Money does not buy love.
7. The new girlfriend/boyfriend cannot and will not take your place. Children are unbelievably loyal. They can love many people, but the title and honor of parent is yours and will be only yours, forever. Relax. Deal with your jealousy without making your kid responsible for your feeling threatened. This is simply not the job of the child.
8. Divorce is the severing of the adult relationship and should not be the termination of the parent-child relationship, no matter how much you really can’t stand him/her. If your child is not in harm’s way, the relationship needs to continue. This is the CHILD’s right. If you really feel the child is in danger, then get a lawyer, prove it and have supervised visitation. Never keep a child from being with a parent based on your own feelings!
9. Lastly, remember that you are the adult. Suck up your anger toward your ex and make the holidays wonderful for your kids.
Further Reading:
Surviving Thanksgiving Alone
Adapted from Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce
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About the Author: Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads was published in October 2009. More information at www.donnaferber.com
