Hot Toys November 2009
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Dear Dating, It’s Been A While Love, Me
I was married before the ripe-old age of 24.
Before that, I was one of those girls who always had a boyfriend. Always.
And I liked it that way. Safe. Knowable. Predictable. Easy. Neat. Comfort Zone.
So now, here I am at the age of 38. Newly-single. Grabbing and enjoying life in new and amazing ways. And constantly pushing myself to leave the Comfort Zone behind.
But that Comfort Zone sure is comfortable……
Certainly, there is no shortage of guys (or women, for that matter) out there. And since I starting giving off the vibe, they are everywhere.
But something just dawned on me this week and quite frankly, I am not sure how I am going to deal with this one:
I have never really dated before.
I don’t know that I actually know how to date.
I know how to meet guys. I have tons of friends, male and female, and make new ones easily and well. I know how to have fun (sort of). I know how to determine almost immediately if I feel a connection to someone, male or female, and whether there is anything (friendship, romance, whatever) worth pursuing.
The thing is, I am very “black and white” and “all-or-nothing” in my thinking. And that serves me quite well at times. And not so well other times.
It was well and good when I had all the boyfriends (and Mr. Ex). Those relationships were strictly defined. No grey area. (Did I mention I don’t do well with grey? Yea, don’t like the grey a whole lot.)
But now….well things are different. There is dating. And kids. And a career. And life. And definitions are fluid and never really accurate to begin with. And what I wanted years ago isn’t what I want now. And sometimes, I am not even sure what I want. (I do know what I don’t want and another marriage is certainly up there!)
Somewhere within all of this exhausting inner dialogue (don’t tell me you don’t have it too, I know you do) I trip up. Like the kind of tripping up that generally leads me to say stuff I probably don’t mean to say and do things I probably didn’t mean to do. And putting down my wall and saying “adios” and “next!” all in the name of making sure I’m either at A or Z – never in the Discomfort Zone of B-Y.
But the B-Y World is where most of life happens. A or Z and black or white are all really neat and specific. But life isn’t always neat or specific.
Actually, when is real life – like the really good and fun kind – neat and specific?
It’s not.
And that’s awesome.
And scary.
For me, learning how to date (for the record, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I apparently stink at it) is a journey outside of my comfort zone. A journey that is at once crazy-fun and uncomfortable as hell.
So for now, I am working on being OK (and knowing I won’t die or, worse, get hurt) on the edge of A.
Because after the edge of A is B and then C and so on…..and once you decide to live in B-Y, you can’t go back. I know I can’t. And there is plenty of time to be comfortable later. But for now…..seize it. Own it. And by “it,” I mean your life. And have fun….let me know how it goes.
