Hot Toys November 2009
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I don’t like surprises. Not in my job and especially not in my private life. At least not those surprises. I like planned things, even if they rarely turn out the way I expect them to. It gives you a sense of safety and stress relief .
When I was ready to date again, more than 13 years after my last date, it was sort of obvious to me that I would have to learn a thing or two, especially since I have never dated in this country and believe that first dates here should not be called dates. Hey, they are dinners! Not dates! Calling some of those dinners dates is a bit too optimistic for my taste.
Anyway, I decided to play it safe and answer an ad in my airline magazine – one of those promising matchmaking services ” It’s Just Lunch,” which promised to take all the bar hopping pain out of the dating equation. Sitting in a bar and desperately looking for a female conversation partner was definitely not what I was looking for.
In the end, the IJL pitch is great. You simply sign up, they create a profile, some of which you know and some you don’t, and you are done. They match you with other people in their database, call you and ask you if you want to go out with XYZ, who is a successful business woman, likes horses and traveling. It’s really as simple as that. Sounded good to me and it was exactly what I needed after a shameful Yahoo Personals experience and the … ummmmm … strange people you find on Craigslist or similar services.
If Craigslist was free, perhaps those friends who always tell you that finding the right partner is a numbers game and that you get what you pay for are right and It’s Just Lunch was just what I was looking for.
It is, depending on where you live, about $2000 upfront for a 12-month subscription. If you are male, it seems that you can negotiate the price down or extend the length of the contract period for no charge. I was lucky enough that Oprah had just aired a segment on the service and apparently plenty of females had signed up as a result. So I got it for less money and with an extended contract period. I was set.
My personal IJL consultant was eager to get me on the dating path asap. He promised one date per month, which apparently applied, in my area, very much only to women. As a guy you could have had as many dates as you wanted (and could afford as we guys typically pay for those dinners at the places IJL selects.) He ended up setting me up with one or two dates per week. I felt there was a really good chance that I would find someone wonderful.
I’ll let you know that this was not the case, but the experience was priceless nevertheless.
It turned into a crash course in learning to date again. What I learned is that the dating type you choose is absolutely critical to help you find someone who you are compatible with and you can fall in love with. Matchmaking services reflect the personality of some and depending on your expectations, they can be terribly disappointing or they can be extremely rewarding.
It’s Just Lunch promises to set you up with people you are compatible with, no strings attached. You don’t know their full name, not their address and not their phone number. You simply meet, have dinner or drinks together and you decide where you want to take it from there. Asking for a phone number is very easy, even if you are shy. What can you lose anyway? You can only win, if you feel chemistry. If you don’t ask, your opportunity is gone. In my case, my self confidence was shattered during my divorce. With IJL I quickly learned that I wasn’t quite as hopeless as I thought I was. There were nice conversations, I had a good time every time I was out and I found different types of people, even if I did not find the one I was looking for. Those conversations helped me figure out what I was looking for.
Probably most surprising was that there is, in my 30-something-age-range, a clear expectation from everybody who is dating. It is not the teenage-save-me-from-the-dragon-fairy-tale anymore. I am not sure if signing up for IJL has to do with desperation, IJL says it does not, but I found that there is an expectation what happens after the first, second and third date. And wasting time is one of those things IJL subscribers have very little understanding for, at least from what I learned. If you sign up for IJL, the expectation is not to move slowly, you want to find out within three dates if that guy or girl is someone you could marry.
I always enjoyed those long conversations, several hours in most cases, to learn about my dates, what they are interested in, what they like and what they just don’t care for. As a journalist, talking is one of those things I specialize in so I don’t think I necessarily bored anyone to death. However, I do admit that I was told “Wolfgang, you talk too much,” which was probably true.
Out of seven first dates (within six weeks), there were only two second dates and only one date that ended up in more than just two dates. Why? IJL does not necessarily set you up with people you are compatible with. I went out with women who were up to 7 years older and up to six years younger than me and for some reason that just did not work for me. I always felt that guys were at an unfair advantage with this service and all women I met talked about their bad experience with IJL so far. It always seemed they were matched with exactly the opposite they were looking for.
Anyway.
What IJL took away was my panic that there are no wonderful people left at age 36. There are plenty of wonderful people left, you just have to be patient and keep your eyes open and pursue your opportunity when you think you have found a match. A service like IJL and the frequency of dates helps you sort out what you do not want. I found that I was very picky. I was looking for someone with exact the same experience I had made in my previous marriage – the same positive and the same negative experiences.
So there was my plan. Did I mention that I do not like surprises?
I learned that the likelihood that I would find that person on IJL is, given the limited number of subscribers, was slim. So, in the end, it is “just lunch,” not more and not less. Quite expensive lunch, I might add. If you find that special one, it is great, but you should not have this expectation when you subscribe to such a service. So if you are ready to get back into the dating scene again, and you have the money to spend, a service such as IJL may be a great place to begin.
