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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 5, Part 2: Perception Is Everything, Perception Is Nothing
There are two things about your family I was never able to understand and I carefully kept distance to as a result. It was your distance to your mom and dad and the relationship to your biological parents. And then there is your other brother you lost in a car accident before we got married. I agree that we did not communicate in a great way about these topics, but it was never my intention to keep distance, I just felt uncomfortable and was hoping that you would be breaking out of your shell at some point and talk about it when you wanted to. I never rejected the conversation about either topic as far as I can remember.
The easier topic is your adoption. Yes, we did talk about the complex process to find your parents initially, but I do not think it was fair that you blamed me not finding out who and where your biological parents are. For more than two years I have asked you to initiate the process to find out more about your biological parents and your medical background. You chose not to, which I personally believe to be a mistake, but it is your choice in the end. I do not know how you feel about this topic and I won’t make any assumptions, but just for your children, you should find out. I also believe you need counseling since you have still issues about your adoption. However, you now say that I never wanted you to find out and I have to admit that I was afraid of the lengthy and potentially very emotional process, given what you know about your biological parents already. But I just don’t think it is right that you blame me for not finding out. You could have always decided to find out if you wanted to. It is your life and I would have never kept anything that you needed for happiness from you. But in the end, I may have just done that. I just don’t think that someone cheats if you are entirely happy.
I always thought that what happened to your family when your brother Caleb died was horrific. I admit that I always had trouble relating to it, since I came into your life years after the accident. I always wanted you to talk to me about it, but was hesitant approaching you to talk directly about it. Given my background story with my very first girlfriend Katy, I knew that it was a touchy topic and I wanted to give you the time you needed to deal with it. And in recent years, you never talked about it anymore, you had not been at the cemetery in years, and you seemed to be ok while your mom struggled. It gave me a sense that you did not want to deal with the topic and not talking about it was your way of keeping you under control. So I left it at that.
When we talked about it, you blamed your parents of not understanding you and what you would have needed to deal with the loss and everything that happened in the aftermath of the accident. This year, it seems that I was blamed for it, in a way that I was told I was not willing to talk about Caleb over the past few years. It was the first time in more than 6 years that you actually went to the cemetery; it was the first time in more than 10 years you acted in a similar way as your mom. I cannot remember that you ever wanted to talk about Caleb, with the exception of certain occasions during the first two years of our marriage. Without complaining now, I felt that a train had rolled over me this year. Suddenly I was blamed for the way you felt. Before that, it was your parents, now it was me. Whatever it is, you need to take care of this, in a much more diligent way than you have in the past. You can’t keep running away and blaming others for the change of your emotions. I am worried about you and your family.
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About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how the story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
