Hot Toys November 2009
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This book should be required reading for any woman who has been in an abusive relationship, physical and/or emotional. The focus is on the man and why he does the things he does, even if he claims he loves you. Women who are armed with this insight can have a better understanding of the dynamics of her relationship with her spouse which can lead to regaining control of her life and make it more likely for her to heal emotionally. Author Lundy Bancroft uses “he” for the abuser and “she” for the abused. However, even if abuse also occurs in same sex relationships, the bulk of what is described in this book is still relevant to that situation.
The book guides the reader initially by unraveling the mystery of the abusive spouse. “He’s two different people”, “He really doesn’t mean to hurt me”, “He messes up my mind sometimes”, “Why does he do that?” These are just a few of the questions an abused partner may ask herself on a daily basis. Chapter one works to clear up the mystery behind some of these statements. It also helps the abused partner to understand that it is not her fault and she is not crazy. This beginning chapter helps women gain insight surrounding several puzzles – his version of the abuse is worlds apart from hers; he gets insanely jealous but in other ways he seems entirely rational; he succeeds in getting people to take his side against hers; during some of his incidents he seems to lose control but certain other controlling behavior of his appear very calculated, and sometimes he seems to be really changing but it tends to vanish.
There is also plenty to learn about the myths surrounding abusive behavior. While many exist such as “he was abused as a child”, “he holds in his feelings too much”, or “he has an aggressive personality”, the book helps the abused to understand that the abuser wants you to focus on his feelings rather than the true underlying reason as to why he is abusive which is really how he thinks.
Another key topic Lundy Bancroft discusses is abusive mentality. As the book notes, chronic mistreatment can cause people to doubt themselves. There are some interesting notes about how the abuser invades the identity of the abused person in an effort to cause her to “lose her balance” which can lead to very distorted thinking. There are several realities such as: 1) He is controlling, 2) He feels entitled, 3) He twists things into their opposites, 4) He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her, 5) He confuses love and abuse, 6) He is manipulative, 7) He strives to have a good public image, 8) He feels justified, 9) Abusers deny and minimize their abuse, and 10) Abusers are possessive.
The book also dedicates a chapter to describing the types of abusive men and how no two abusers are alike. Their characteristics can fall on a continuum. There is Mr. Right who considers himself the ultimate authority on everything and also the water torturer who never has to lay a finger on the abused individual but can do so by psychologically assaulting his partner. There are also many characteristics in-between.
The next couple of chapters go into detail on how abuse begins and warning signs to look for. Additionally, it can help the abuser determine when abuse is occurring, because it may be subtle and can commonly occur over an extended period of time. Also, the book describes how abusive men function as parents and how abusive men form allies.
An important chapter in the book describes how the abused can create an abuse-free world by developing a strong support system. The book describes that while it may feel like a hopeless situation, there is help out there (family, clergy, therapists) who can help the abused person.
If you are in an abusive relationship, if you have been in an abusive relationship, or if you are not sure if you are in an abusive relationship but your instincts are telling you that something is not right, then this book is a must read.
