Hot Toys November 2009
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I remember the bad old days of kid-exchanges in friendly locations like the Waffle House parking lot. We’d start off with cordial greetings, but before long, we’d find our way into the downward spiraling discussion of what clothes I had packed. I often felt attacked, because what I had packed either didn’t meet his metro-Dad standards, or I’d forgotten some important item…like drawers.
The feelings I experienced in these situations were no different than the feelings I was having about the entire relationship. I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility for caring for our child materially than I should have to. I felt unappreciated given that I was the one providing the clothes, caring for our child most of the time and then being expected to remember every little thing. I felt burdened by his apparent dependence on me. I felt pissed, because I rarely got all the gear back. And, I felt powerless to make him do anything differently including stopping by WalMart to buy a $10 shorts set or pack of socks. So, yes, we would argue about bitty briefs right there in the Waffle House parking lot.
Despite hating this frustrating and petty drama, still, for a long time, I would continue to pack the clothes and then complain about it to him and anyone else who would listen. And, subversively, I admit, I would purposely neglect to pack the tighty whities– which inevitably would lead to the very Waffle House incidents I claimed I wanted to avoid.
Then, after a good bit of self-reflection, I realized something mind-shattering and central to the changes I started to make in my response to this problem: My son’s father absolutely loooooves our son, and he will not allow our child to go hungry, naked or homeless. Somehow, he will make a way.
And, with that, I began the process of firing myself his self-appointed manager and started creating some boundaries around what I would be responsible for and what I wouldn’t.
Over time, I stopped sending clothes. When he would argue, I would calmly explain (while focusing on keeping my smile genuine and not taunting): “I can’t run my household smoothly without clothes. So, to make sure that I’m able to take good care of our child while he’s with me, I’m going to need to keep the clothing I’ve purchased here. And, I know you’re a great father and that you’ll make sure he’s taken care of at your house, too. It will make it easier for him knowing that he has the clothes he needs and likes at both places, and neither of us will have to worry about where things are.”
That was it.
At first he was pissed. I imagine it seemed that I was making some sort of power play. But, I remained consistent and soon after, our son had a brand new wardrobe courtesy of Daddy. Every once in a while, he would still ask me to send something over, and I did. It wasn’t always smooth, mostly because I would accuse him of holding a soccer uniform hostage only to find out that it was actually still in my hamper…but I’ll let him write that post.
Eventually, after some practicing, we’ve come to a point where the only clothes either of us sends to the other’s house are the ones on our child’s back. We have agreed upon a budget for this Fall/Winter clothing and plan to make that trip together taking great care to send an equal number of little boy briefs to each home. I can only imagine how our son suffered in those Waffle House parking lots (He now prefers to eat at IHOP) and what a difference our willingness to fight for a win-win-win solution has made in his life. It has certainly improved mine.
I want to tell you that there’s no guarantee that your child’s parent will grow into the parenting partner you want if you just focus on what you can do and make peace with what and whom you can’t control . But, I also want to tell you that it is so possible. I have experienced it in my own life, and I have witnessed transformation in relationships significantly more shattered than my own.
For me, the key was getting myself out of feeling victimized and stepping into my power where I could make choices and establish boundaries that left me standing without tearing down my son’s father. In that place, I find peace, even when we have conflict. That peace allows me to be a better partner, which invites him to do the same. And, most of the time, he accepts.
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About The Author: Talibah Mbonisi, founder of co-parenting lifestyle company, WeParent, is a Marketer by trade, a problem solver by nature and a mother by grace. She is also an unmarried co-parent navigating the path that will lead to a happy, healthy son, and a fulfilled, balanced Mama and Daddy.
