Hot Toys November 2009
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Let’s face it, there’s just one word that our culture bestows on a woman who unrepentantly values a career every bit as much as she values being a loving mother: the B-word.
No wonder so many women simultaneously crave and fear their ambitious goals. No wonder that high-achieving women all harbor the same dirty little secret, no matter what our backgrounds. We all struggle with socially sanctioned failure to fully and unambivalently embrace our ambition. We all have the same pernicious audio loop playing between our ears:
“Will being as ambitious as I dream of being make me less of a woman? Can I? Should I? Dare I? Have I gone too far? Will it cost me my personal life? Will it cause me to mess up my children? Will it make those I care about suffer? Will I make enemies? Is it impossible to be ambitious and happy? Am I charging too much? Am I giving my employer or my clients their money’s worth? Will I lose an opportunity if I ask for more money? Who do I think I am calling myself an expert? Do I really know what I’m doing or am I in over my head? Can I really be ambitious and be there for my kids, or must I make an either/or choice? Does sticking up for myself and for my dreams and taking credit me mean I’m greedy, arrogant and that I’m being unfair? Am I deserving of recognition and power? Am I worthy of going after my biggest, most precious career dreams?”
Ambition isn’t a dirty word, but as far as many women are concerned, it might as well be. Today, the greatest barrier to earning more money, getting the power and recognition we deserve, and feeling entitled to stay the course comes from inside of ourselves. We women agonize over whether or not we deserve to be ambitious — and about what it will cost us. We do this because, on some level, we buy into society’s prevailing cultural double standard: ambitious men/dads are go-getters; ambitious women/moms are bitches.
Single, working moms live with an extra helping of guilt and doubt and angst running through our minds as we juggle work and mothering and life. It’s hard enough keeping up with our daily routines; then one extra little thing goes wrong, and we immediately beat ourselves up, fearing that we’ve made the wrong choices.
What “little” things can go wrong? Take upcoming holidays, for example: they upset our “normal” routines (though, are our routines ever routine and predictable, much less “normal”?). The holidays place added pressure on our already tenuous-at-best work-life balance. In addition to having worked with thousands of women over the years, I’ve been there myself.
I was a single mom working at my start-up small business, struggling to pay the bills, while finishing my doctorate, while making sure I drove my child to and from school most days, plus to soccer practice, play practice, piano lessons, and to and from this and that, while making sure that we had dinner together each night. Somehow it all worked pretty well and felt pretty peaceful — most of the time.
One morning, my young son came in as I was firing up the coffee pot after a late night working at the computer after tucking him in for bed. He said, with a broken-hearted look, “Mom-the Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night”. I’d forgotten that?! What a loser mom. My mind whirled — how to answer my child? Turns out, it was President’s Day, or something like that; no school. In a fly-by-my-seat moment, I sputtered, “OH!…I’m pretty sure that the tooth fairy doesn’t work on holidays.” He immediately felt reassured by my mommy ad lib; the relief in his eyes saved me for one more day. And that night — a shiny dollar coin under his pillow! Mommy redemption.
With our economy in a tail spin, many single moms are particularly anxious these days about budgeting for the upcoming holiday seasons. From clients and friends, I hear things like, “My predictable income as an established entrepreneur? Gone. My ex-husband is about to be laid off, so I’m worried about child support. I’m barely making my house payments. Traveling for Thanksgiving and Christmas on my already-stretched budget? Impossible, but what do I tell my family? My kids are 3 and 5. Christmas presents? And travel? Are you kidding me? Help! I’m feeling like a loser parent and professional.”
My overarching advice? Forget keeping up with the Clauses. Then follow these tips:
First, stop judging yourself. You’re not alone. So many of us are struggling now. It doesn’t change things, but it does help to know that you’re in good company; that it’s the economy and it is affecting us all.
Next, devise a short-term plan to get through the socially constructed “holiday” season mania: Just say no (i.e, say no to yourself – and to those that pressure you). Your babies won’t know the difference between a pile of the season’s “must have” booty versus some beautifully illustrated books that Mommy will read to them over and over again. Set your budget for what you can afford: $50? 75? $100? That’s huge. With that, you can buy gifts that keep on giving — clay, finger paints, storybooks.
Boycott malls where the pressure to conform is intense. Instead, for example, visit an independent, local teacher’s supply store. Enjoy browsing for affordable, educational finds. Giant crayons, sidewalk chalk, paper? Remember the joy of receiving that fresh 64-pack of Crayolas? Sweet classics with pages made for
small hands? Ask the cashier about holiday discounts. Comparison shop online; use free shipping offers.
Set your own holiday tradition. If you can’t afford to travel this year, have honest, direct conversations with your extended family members; no matter what their reaction, you’ll know you’ve spoken your truth and protected you and your children’s interests as best you can. Also: shrink the present pile litmus test for gauging your worth as a mom. Instead, take your kids on holiday museums excursions. Light winter solstice candles. Talk about different cultural and religious traditions. Create your own tradition that your family can revisit yearly. View this as your chance to model what the holidays ought to mean — a loving, relaxed family that has time to hang out together, as well as with friends and community members, versus commercialism and greed.
Holidays have the potential to wreck our single-mom self-esteem — unless we take control by making and following our own rules and sensibilities. We have to be mindful enough to refuse to judge ourselves when we don’t live up to the impossible standards of being perfect working mothers who are always on top of everything. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Our kids live through it — and the silver lining is that they’ll likely benefit from our willingness to be authentic during hard times.
Honestly, you don’t have to keep up with the Clauses. You don’t even always have to keep up with the Tooth Fairy, darn her! You’re doing your best. Give yourself credit, and keep on keeping on. You owe it to yourself, and your children – and the world – to make the contribution you were born to make. The world deserves to hear from you – on your own terms.
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About the Author: Dr. Debra Condren interviewed 500 women for her book, Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word: A Woman’s Guide to Earning Her Worth and Achieving Her Dreams (Random House/Broadway Books). As a business psychologist, founder of the Women’s Business Alliance, and speaker, Debra has coached thousands of women at every level and found that each one possesses the same fear: if she goes after her dream, she’ll be seen — or she’ll regard herself — as a bad mother, selfish, bitchy, a bad wife, a bad lover, a bad friend, or an arrogant fraud. She believes that is exactly this fear of ambition that has forced women to leave our dreams and our great talents by the roadside, rendering us half of what we should be in every area of life. You can reach her at www.AmbitionIsNotADirtyWord.com.
