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10 Things Not To Say To Your Children During a Divorce

Posted by Lisa and Wolfgang in Practical Advice with the tags , , , , , on October 16, 2009

childhandsDivorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.

One of the most critical ones are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.

1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.
Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.

2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …
As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.

3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.
It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.

4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce
We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.

5. I am busy.
Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.

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This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm and is filed under Practical Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Jane
    Number 2 is GOLDEN, people.

    My parents split up when I was reeeeeally small. Growing up, whenever I told my dad I missed my mum, he'd offer hugs and tell me everything would be okay.

    His best friend asked him, "Doesn't it make you so mad? She cheated on you, destroyed your life, walked out on you and left you with four small children. How can you stand to hear that when you work so hard?"

    My dad told her that one day, all of his kids would be grown ups and when that day came, he wanted them to be able to judge their mother for the person she was all by themselves, without any outside influence.

    It doesn't take a genius to figure out who I look up to, respect and am close to now that those years are behind me!
  • SteveLIttle
    An inspiration, Jane!
  • Jane
    I'm glad to hear it! :) Plenty more where that came from thanks to my old man.
  • Great article. I'd say tips three and four are the ones to be avoided at all costs. In the book, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, author Mike Jeffries writes that every time you say something negative about the other parent, you are telling the child that half of him, or her, is negative. That's the last thing a child needs to hear when Mom and Dad are divorcing.
  • Jeff, I do not think that most single parent would even think about this issue in this way. Thanks for the thought!
  • I wholeheartedly agree, Donna! Personally, I am amazed how quickly my children adjusted to the two-homes topic. Your final point is true as well - I have been talking with them about the remarry topic which usually comes up when they say "this whole divorce is stupid." But they definitely adjust more and more as they understand that there is a definite separation and their parents do not go out anymore and they do attend separate events.
  • Excellent advice! As a psychotherapist who works with divorce issues, I offer these additonal comments.
    To understand why it is soooo important not to say these thngs, it helps to understand the challenges every chlid faces when their parents divorce.
    1. The divorce is not your fault.(every chilld to some degree blames themselves)
    2. My mother(or Father) is not leaving me. (this is directed at the parent who is leaving)
    3. Scary thoughts do not make things happen.( Especially true with younger children who still have magical thinking)
    4. Adjusting to two homes to leave in. ( if you think of this as similiar to having a "vacation" house, you , as the parent will manage your own anxiety much better. Two houses is not the end of the world.)
    5. Finally this-Children must except their parents will not remarry each other. Many children hold this fantasy for years. Often it only disssolves when one parent marries someone else. Keep mindful of your own behavior. Be cordial to your partner, but behaviors such as continuing to wear your wedding ring or including your ex at a lot of family events, reinforces that belief system for kids. This belief makes it more difficult for kids to accept stepparents into their life.
    Donna F. Ferber
    Author "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce.
    www.donnaferber.com

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