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10 Things Not To Say To Your Children During a Divorce

Posted by Lisa and Wolfgang in Practical Advice with the tags , , , , , on October 16, 2009

6. Your dad does not pay child support.
There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.

7. DON’T YELL!
Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.

8. What does your mom/dad say about me?
Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.

9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.
This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.

10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.
This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.

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This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm and is filed under Practical Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Tigershark2201
    we are divorcing after a happy 22 years, yes me and my husband kept a very happy house, we laughed alot with our children. he is a great dad and i did my best, my children were my priority.we showed them alot of love and a very stable marriage. wow what a shock for everyone, i left everything after finding a lost love from many years ago.i feel good about my decision, but i hate the pain i caused to all my dearest people.my daughter is a mess, and that i hate. ive reassured her everything will work out, and that i will always love daddy and them.i will always be here, im 2600 miles away, but i will always be here for them no matter what. i brought her with me but it was more practical for her to finish school there, and keep all the scholarships, she worked so hard for.i just want time to heal all my babies and loved ones. she wants to see someone and talk. show me the right way the least pain.
  • Jane
    Number 2 is GOLDEN, people.

    My parents split up when I was reeeeeally small. Growing up, whenever I told my dad I missed my mum, he'd offer hugs and tell me everything would be okay.

    His best friend asked him, "Doesn't it make you so mad? She cheated on you, destroyed your life, walked out on you and left you with four small children. How can you stand to hear that when you work so hard?"

    My dad told her that one day, all of his kids would be grown ups and when that day came, he wanted them to be able to judge their mother for the person she was all by themselves, without any outside influence.

    It doesn't take a genius to figure out who I look up to, respect and am close to now that those years are behind me!
  • SteveLIttle
    An inspiration, Jane!
  • Jane
    I'm glad to hear it! :) Plenty more where that came from thanks to my old man.
  • Great article. I'd say tips three and four are the ones to be avoided at all costs. In the book, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, author Mike Jeffries writes that every time you say something negative about the other parent, you are telling the child that half of him, or her, is negative. That's the last thing a child needs to hear when Mom and Dad are divorcing.
  • Jeff, I do not think that most single parent would even think about this issue in this way. Thanks for the thought!
  • I wholeheartedly agree, Donna! Personally, I am amazed how quickly my children adjusted to the two-homes topic. Your final point is true as well - I have been talking with them about the remarry topic which usually comes up when they say "this whole divorce is stupid." But they definitely adjust more and more as they understand that there is a definite separation and their parents do not go out anymore and they do attend separate events.
  • Excellent advice! As a psychotherapist who works with divorce issues, I offer these additonal comments.
    To understand why it is soooo important not to say these thngs, it helps to understand the challenges every chlid faces when their parents divorce.
    1. The divorce is not your fault.(every chilld to some degree blames themselves)
    2. My mother(or Father) is not leaving me. (this is directed at the parent who is leaving)
    3. Scary thoughts do not make things happen.( Especially true with younger children who still have magical thinking)
    4. Adjusting to two homes to leave in. ( if you think of this as similiar to having a "vacation" house, you , as the parent will manage your own anxiety much better. Two houses is not the end of the world.)
    5. Finally this-Children must except their parents will not remarry each other. Many children hold this fantasy for years. Often it only disssolves when one parent marries someone else. Keep mindful of your own behavior. Be cordial to your partner, but behaviors such as continuing to wear your wedding ring or including your ex at a lot of family events, reinforces that belief system for kids. This belief makes it more difficult for kids to accept stepparents into their life.
    Donna F. Ferber
    Author "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce.
    www.donnaferber.com

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