You often say I sound like a broken record when I repeat things that have been said in the past. You even laugh at me when you say this. I don’t want to repeat myself now, but it seems that every spark of common sense has been extinguished.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t we just take apart what we built and save what can be saved? Why can’t we go on with our lives? Why can’t we do this? What is the sense of this destruction? Why do we do this to our children? Why do they deserve this? Why? Can you answer this question if you look inside your heart without feeling any guilt?

When I found out that you cheated, my world fell apart. You said you cannot feel what I feel. You were right. You will never be able to understand the pain I felt. You will not even know when someone cheats on you in the same way you cheated on me, since the situation would be different. And since you know that cheating is a reality that can happen anytime, you may be able to easily accept it. We felt different things for each other, on, what I believe, an entirely different emotional level.

You will never see the scars that will remain for the rest of my life and will impact me in so many things I will do – impact our children in some way and people I will meet in the future. You said that you do not care about my pain. You have changed me forever, my feelings of trust, my understanding of the law, of justice, my view of material things, marriage and partnership, my view of the value of family. Some of these changes are positive and you clearly opened my eyes. But other changes are negative and I still cannot believe I gave you the power to change me in the way you did.

You had the power and you took advantage of it, relentlessly. I had way too much exposure to you. I do not think that you have any idea how you impacted me, what it means to me and no, I do not think you had any right to do this to me. You told me to burn in hell. Ironically, that came from someone and a family that has always been so focused on the church. I could not help wondering that, if heaven and hell really exist, what will God say to you? Was cheating ok?

Will you go to heaven or to hell? But, on the positive side, what you have given to me is the opportunity to collect a lifetime of experiences over the past months, many experiences you have no idea of, experiences that made me a better and stronger person, experiences that sharpened my focus and taught me that I was not the person I wanted to be when I was with you. Experiences no one can ever take away. Experiences I am infinitely grateful for. You can beat me to the ground for the next 17 years over and over again. But you will not be able to take my soul. You cannot take those experiences away.

You said you never forced me to move for you to the U.S., and, from saying that, I learned in an instant that you would not have done the same for me. You will never understand what I have surrendered, what and why I have done things for you and what I would have done for you in the future. That simple statement from you, that you did not force me to move, was a wake-up call that helped me to detach myself from you. It told me that you never loved me as much as I loved you, as silly as that sounds.

We did not have the same understanding of what love really means. In my case, that means that you give yourself up entirely for someone else. Never ever during those 11 years did I think about breaking that commitment and I would not have broken my promise for the rest of my life, no matter how enticing the opportunity would have been. I was yours, completely melted in your hands. That was my promise I had given you in front of the altar. Until death do us part. That was my promise and there was nothing that could have convinced me to break it. Nothing.

For you, there was no such promise. Or it did not mean the same to you as it did to me, if I look at the fact how easy it was for you to cheat.

In the end, it was not just a promise broken to me. It was a promise broken to our children. As I write this, I have to cry when I think about the severity of this broken promise. Have you ever thought about it? Is there a more important promise in this world, in our lives?

Tags: Letters To A Cheating Spouse

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