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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 2, Part 1: Getting Over You
You often said I have not gotten over you. You even laugh at me when you say that. In a very strange way, you seem to need that persuasion that I am still hanging on to you. A lot of people also said I am not over you and it may take years until I could.
I don’t have that much time.
It is only seven months or so since I found out that the life I always dreamed of had been nothing more than boring routine, imagination, and a sea of broken glass. And yes, it took me a long time to understand what I may or may not have done to deserve what you have done to me.
It took a lot of research and it took me a long time to understand that cheating has, often, very little to do with the actions of spouses. And it took me a long time to understand why you have not assumed any guilt and blame virtually anything on me these days.
Remember that you blamed me for almost hitting that car at a mall a couple months ago, because I had the sun visor down and you claimed you were not able to see that car because of that? Today I have to smile when you come up with something new that you say is my fault. Somehow it seems that even the color of the blue sky is my fault. Blaming me has become a routine. A routine I will have to live with. Maybe, one day, all these things will sound just as absurd to you as they do to me now. I do not believe that anyone deserves to be treated like this. I was told by so many people that this blaming game would happen. That the spouse who caused the marriage to break will find many ways to shift the guilt over to me. I can’t do anything about it. But I believe that life will be fair in the end.
Yes, my world fell apart earlier this year and I was frustrated. And it is impossible for you to imagine how disruptive this experience was for me. I was in this country, alone, and I once had laid everything I had to give in your hands, trusting you with all of my heart. You took everything and more from me in a blink of an eye and left me emotionally bleeding on the floor.
On the day I learned that you had cheated on me at least three and probably four times, probably the worst and most painful day in my life, I drank much more than I was able to handle. And while you continued to play this circumstance to describe me as suicidal, which I personally felt was very selfish, careless and mean, I know it was a bad decision.
But I found out in a very dramatic way that you can learn from any mistake. Especially the tough ones. I do not believe that you ever understood what the drinking was about. Remember, I asked you to give me answers to my questions, answers you were not ready to give? My life was collapsing in front of my eyes. You did not care and you were busy feeling sorry for yourself.
But I do not blame you for my drinking, it was my decision.
So, do you think I was suicidal in this moment? I talked to doctors, psychologists and friends about this. Others who went through the same. When you go through such a dramatic event, many people do stupid things and they do it in a very specific way. There is a common pattern you may not notice if you have not been in the same situation. Almost anyone in such a situation would tell you that they just do not care if they died. Even if they are parents and have children to care for. What is the same with all those people is that they exactly, perhaps subconsciously, know what they do and do it exactly in a way so they would not die or be hurt. At that night, I knew how much I had drunk, I knew when the alcohol kicked in and I knew when it was time to stop.
I remember you trying to talk to me after I had plenty of drinks. I was simply not willing to answer, even if I was able to. I told you that while the alcohol impaired my ability to move, my mind was always awake. I was sad, angry, beaten down. I did not want to answer you. But I had your attention. That is what mattered to me at that point. And I am sorry that I may have misled you.
My drinking was not a suicide attempt. It was a cry for help. A cry for help you did not want to hear. Perhaps your work as a nurse has changed into a routine. I remember that you decided to become a nurse because you wanted to help sick people because of your own family experiences. I still have a lot of respect for that and would wish more nurses would show the affection for their work as you do sometimes. But at that night, I felt that your work may have brought a routine which does not allow you to see those cries for help anymore. You once told me that your co-workers told you that you do not have the cold attitude an emergency room nurse needs. That night, you were cold.
For the first time in more than a decade, I felt truly alone.
