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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 2, Part 2: Getting Over You
Remember when you first visited me for a few months in another country back when we met? Remember how you cried on my shoulder the first day? Remember how you felt? Remember the loneliness? But you had a way out, a flight back to your family, and I did everything I could to give you a way out. Remember how you were homesick? I may be homesick, too, at times, but you seem to have forgotten how it feels to be alone in a foreign country, culture, without friends or family. You make fun of me when I think about home and leaving this country. You make fun of my accent and certain words I use.
Remember how you felt? Now look at me. I am stuck, I have to defend myself against your lawyer, your family. You abandoned me. Do you think it is selfish for you to make fun of me, to accuse me that I mentioned thoughts of leaving this country? Of course I won’t. My children are here. Sometimes it feels I am standing against the army of an entire country and the only thing that I can hold on to are my kids. And I will. As hard as I can.
Being alone, though, is not much fun, I can tell you that. It makes me doubt, when I look at you, at your actions, at your understanding of fairness. Your claims that you are not willing to resolve our differences without lawyers and your intentions of spending every penny we have. Without willing to compromise to give me half of the time with my children. You will never be satisfied as long as I live.
Who are you?
It was easy for you to be angry at me, stay in denial of what you have done and enjoy your time with your family, boyfriend and friends. The first thing you did after the divorce was filed was that you went to a Las Vegas vacation with your boyfriend. I was alone and you could have cared less. You made sure that I had nobody there for me by talking to people behind my back. Remember those emails your wrote to our friends Alice and David about me? Telling them to be careful about me what I would say? And even when I was on the ground already, you got even angrier.
One day, you told me you did not want to be miserable anymore to the end of your days. I still believe I was a good husband and dad, perhaps not the best dad I could have been at all times. Sure, I worked way too much. From today’s view, I have to admit that I need someone to tell me my mistakes. Just like you are far from perfect, I make mistakes. But I believe I did everything I could, I gave everything I had, for my family, all from the bottom of my heart. Hearing you say you were miserable hurts. And it was not a reason to cheat in a way you did, in a way that could cost you much more than just your family at home. You know that. And I wonder whether you will be able to hide for the rest of your life or if you will stand up one day and clean up the mess you created?
I can’t control your feelings and if you felt I was not the one for you anymore, it was time to think about working on things or ending the marriage. But there are different ways how to do that and your choice was not what I would have expected from the woman I chose to spend my life with, the woman I gave my life up for. I never wanted to be treated like that, but I was, and I, and most certainly our children, will have to deal with that terrible choice for many, many years.
Those extra minutes of sex are somewhat interesting, because I never felt we had enough intimate time with each other. In my late 20s, I felt that we were in our 80s when I look at the frequency we were intimate with each other. I had doubts we would hit 250 times before we die. At a frequency of 1 time every six months or so, I may have been right. Does frequency count over quality? No. Does it count anyway? Sure it does. I was unhappy in that way. I was, in fact, very depressed. I always felt it was an important part of being married, an important and critical component on the way to happiness in a marriage. I had accepted that I would not get what I wanted. But you helped me learn. I believe I have a much better understanding of what I am looking for now. I never understood you and what you may have wanted.
I occasionally wonder if you still think the medic or the simple act of cheating was really worth it. I sometimes tried to be you, trying to understand the Why?. I gave up trying some time ago, it did not matter to me anymore. But I wonder if it matters to you now or if it will at some point in the future. At a time you think back and think that I was not quite as bad as you thought I was and when you find out that you never were interested in knowing and understanding who I really am.
I am sure you see a jerk in me. You even call me an asshole quite frequently. You say I harass you. You say you are done with me. You do not want to be in the house when I am there. But I wonder if you really believe that I turned into that jerk overnight or if you sometimes think that your actions may have changed me. Maybe there will be a time when you will not blame me for everything anymore and you think back and see some things differently.
They say that the more two people loved each other in a marriage, the more they will fight in a divorce. If that is true, we must have loved each other quite a bit. And perhaps I am not the jerk you think I am. Perhaps we both fall into the bitch/jerk category. It just makes me think when I am seeing what we are going through. There were two people who were able to build an incredible life in a short period of time. And those people now do everything they can to take everything apart just as much.
More Lifecasts: Allison Nazarian | Shannon Ball | Letters To A Cheating Spouse
About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how teh story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
