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Letters To A Cheating Spouse
Chapter 2, Part 3: Getting Over You
Over the course of the past few months, I felt desperate at times. It was tough and crushing to see what I am up against. Not just you. I had no support system whatsoever. My mother told me that she would be there for me. But essentially, I was alone. After a few weeks of desperation, I began looking for ways to climb out of that dark hole. Suddenly I noticed that I was the one who has been miserable. And I did not want to be miserable anymore. I needed to pick myself up, fight and be there for my kids.
But every time I tried to climb out of that black hole, I was beaten down, again and again, by you and your family. Even today you launch incredibly unnecessary attacks you likely would have never imagined to say when we were married. For some reason, you seem to believe that just because you cheated and we are divorcing, I may have pulled my brain out of my head. You accuse me of anything when there may is just a slight chance for an accusation. You see a fly and you describe an elephant. Is that what the next 17 years will be or will there be common sense again?
I tried to work out things with you, to save the promise I had given to our three children. You said you could not because I said that you were a ‘bad mother’ when I was drunk and was laying in the hospital bed, even if I was able to forgive you for what you had done. Words against actions. Ever thought about that? I think it was just an excuse for you. Perhaps you wanted the divorce from the beginning and just could not say it. Deep down, I believe you know that this justification makes no sense at all.
Occasionally, the question about your morals came up in our discussions, sometimes in relation to my statement that the guy you cheated with had more morals than you. Which I believe still today, even if it may sound ridiculous to claim that a guy who is willing to destroy the life of a family of five by entering a family’s house, and tear down the walls of trust, has morals.
I stopped discussing this at some point since I realized that, if you had any morals, you would not have cheated in the first place. I don’t want to sound mean, but if you look at it realistically, this is really the only way to see it. I don’t think you had a sense of morals when you planned the cheating, when you initiated the whole relationship, and I did not think you had any afterwards, when you pursued the contact with Brian, when you put yourself first, for example with a fancy vacation early in the divorce proceedings, and when you flat-out refused to move out of our house.
Even today, I cannot believe you had and still have the nerve to stay within the four walls you cheated. It is somewhat fascinating to see that you are able to simply live here, without guilt, without any sense of regret. But then, you told me why you do that and why you do not want to give me 50% of the time with the children, even if I have spent most of the time with them over the past months and you never ever cared to be there for them even on days you were not working. No, the children do not matter. Brian does. And, you told me, child support payments do. I see this as reckless and selfish behavior. There are no other words for it.
That reminds me of our talking to neighbors. Yes, I talked to people in our neighborhood about our situation. The silence crushed me. I needed to talk to people. But never in an inappropriate way that could negatively impact our children.
You did complain quite a bit that I did, but did you ever feel that it is easy for you not to talk when you feel ashamed and when you try to hide something what you have done? Plus, you had a huge support system. Had I been you, I would not have wanted to talk to anyone about it either. Would I want my neighbors know that I cheated on you? Of course not. Do I, as the husband you cheated on, want them to know? Yes. I was angry. But honestly, I did not care whether they would know or not. As far as I am concerned, they could know anything you have done and I could have cared less what they thought of you.
In that sense it is almost funny to remember that your mom, who was always foremost interested in how her reputation would be affected by what you have done, told me that I talk too much. Of course she does not want me to talk to anyone. It is not because of you or because of me. It is because you will carry her name again. It is because of her and the family reputation. How much more superficial can this family be? I was so incredibly stupid that I did not notice the curtain that was pulled in front of my eyes. I wonder if this family will have to deal at one point with the truth.
It was you who started the neighborhood chat first anyway, so I feel your accusations were a bit out of place, even if you always had much more privileges than I did. I was surprised by the reactions I received, despite your anger and your mom’s statements that people had told her that I talk too much. I heard the same, from a nurse at your hospital, which had become a good friend of mine. It seemed that you talked quite a bit about me at your place of work and I was told by someone who criticized you of talking about too many private things at work, so much that it was uncomfortable for many other people to be around you.
More Lifecasts: Allison Nazarian | Shannon Ball | Letters To A Cheating Spouse
About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how the story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
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