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Straight Talk: How To Teach Your Child Respect
Teaching your child respect for others is among the most difficult tasks you will encounter in parenthood. It is hard enough to go through this lesson in a traditional family environment, but it gets even more complicated in single parent families. A struggle with what we perceive to be a lack of respect in our children is a growing problem these days – not just for single parents, but for children as well.
And if you are among those who do not know how to answer disrespect and even feel helpless at times, you may not like to hear that there is a good chance that the origin of this disrespect can be traced back to not so great decisions you have made in the past. However, the good news is that most cases of disrespect in children have a common foundation and there are ways you can work with your child.
For the purpose of this article, I am simplifying this topic. If you are interested in more background, there is plenty of literature out there, among which I recommend In The Name Of The Child by Janet Johnston (Springer Publishing, $50), which has lots of scientific information that provides an in-depth understanding of your child’s actions and Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnall (Taylor Trade Publishing, $17; read our review), which explains the effects of a divorce on your children in a general and easy to understand way.
Two Likely Sources
Typically, when we talk about “respect” in connection to our children, we can differentiate between two scenarios. In most cases, you can either see the parent’s own behavior as the origin of the problem and/or you can see issues with disciplinary measures taken by parents that can lead to disrespect in children. Let’s look at both.
It is always important to remember that children are sponges and mirrors: They quickly suck up information and behavioral patterns they are exposed to. As a result, they will reflect what they learn from their parents and from the environment around them. Research suggests that about 95% of everything children learn is from what they observe and only about 5% comes from direct instruction. They listen, they watch and they learn. There is more than a good chance that your own behavior will be mirrored by your children, which means that you should always be aware that your actions will have a major influence on how they will behave. You need to know that disrespect is not something that comes out of nowhere. Disrespect is something your children can learn.
If you see disrespect in your children, you need to be honest and ask yourself if your children have experienced disrespect from you or other people close to them to identify the core problem.
Disrespect towards children may not be something that is immediately obvious to many adults. For example, a phrase such as “what’s the magic word?” is a form of disrespect and could even turn into an embarrassment for your child and should be avoided under any circumstance.
Always ask yourself whether you would talk to a friend in the way you talk to your child. If not, you know that it is not appropriate to talk in this way to your children as well. We are not perfect and you will make mistakes. All parents make mistakes. But if you do, show that you can apologize. Remember: Being able to apologize is a sign of strength and respect. Your child will learn that mistakes are human and that an apology is the necessary first step to correct them. To apologize to your child, you may have to overcome your pride and you may even feel that you are exposing yourself as being weak. Exactly the contrary is the case. Sincere apologies are extremely powerful tools to teach respect.
Inappropriate disciplinary measures or problems with disciplining your children are another frequent source of disrespect in children. If you look at the term “discipline” from a distance, then it is very apparent that it is a decisive tool to teach certain behavior, morals, self control, values, character, rules that make relationships work and, of course, respect. Disciplining your child is a challenge and an opportunity: It can and will light the right path, if you use this tool in an effective way. But it can also take your child off track, which means that you need to be aware of the implications of appropriate and inappropriate discipline.
While the word “discipline” has a generally negative connotation, we also know that effective discipline is important for a strong and loving relationship with your child. Children look up to you as a model how to behave. Frequently ask yourself if you like what your children see. If you don’t like it, change and adjust.
When I became a member of the single parent community, I was surprised how many parallels exist in single parent families, such as complaints about children being disrespectful. I cannot recall a single case where disrespect was not a topic that was at least touched in conversations. The fact of the matter is that your problem may not be so unique. Interestingly enough, it seems that the custodial parent (usually the mother) often faces the brunt of disrespect and feels cheated, because she believes she carries the main responsibility of disciplining a child, while the father often gets time on the weekend and can enjoy the fun time. In many cases, the father is called irresponsible and accused of not disciplining the child, which, however, may not be true.
Discipline-based tensions between separated parents are typically amplified by the fear of custodial parent that a child will want to live with the non-custodial parent, while the non-custodial parent will be afraid that a child will refuse to visit if there is too much discipline. If we believe many psychologists, both fears are unfounded, if you follow a relatively simple set of rules.
Read more on the next page: Discipline Advice – What You Should Do and What You Should Not Do
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