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Straight Talk: How To Teach Your Child Respect
Discipline Advice: What You Should Do and What You Should Not Do
Without claiming that this list is complete, the rules that apply in most cases are:
1. Be strong and secure!
You may have already learned that your child will take advantage of your insecurity and will most certainly do everything to find out where the limits are. Needless to say, your discipline strategy requires clear limits and parental guidelines with predictable consequences. Your child will test you. She/he may even threaten to embarrass you in front of others with a certain kind of behavior to achieve a certain goal. It is a battle you cannot afford to lose. Stay within your guideline structure and do not give in, as hard as it may be sometimes.
2. Be consistent!
Consistency equals security. Security equals trust. A lack of consistency will confuse your child and expose your insecurity and jeopardize your credibility and your bond of trust. Believe it or not, many parents have an especially tough time with this task and I would be tempted to claim that every parent (including me) has deviated from the original discipline intentions when the nagging, whining and perhaps even screaming simply did not stop. You may experience short term relief if you do, but your child will also learn that you can be manipulated. Remain consistent and your child learns that a certain action will cause a very specific consequence. The result: You are likely to see a positive change in your child’s behavior over time.
3. Work as a Team!
You may wonder how consistency can be maintained, if there are two homes. Children will learn very quickly how to get what they want, if mom’s home has different rules than dad’s home, especially if there is a lack of communication between the parents. Make sure your children know that the same basic rules apply in both homes and that mom and dad calmly talk to each other. You will be surprised how quickly and how effectively you can avoid manipulation. Always support your ex-spouse in disciplinary measures, even if you do not agree with them initially. Discuss what you do not like with your ex without the children and, if necessary, adjust the ground rules.
4. Create a Rule Sheet!
Write down all important rules of your home, such as homework and bed times on a sheet of paper and post it on your fridge. These rules should be the same in mom’s and dad’s home. They will show your child that certain guidelines cannot be bent or challenged. Keep it simple, but also know that more detail is very useful when mom and dad once in a while disagree. The rule sheet will also be very helpful when you go out and grandma or a baby sitter is watching your children.
5. Reward Good Behavior!
Punishment goes hand in hand with rewarding positive behavior. The general rule is that rewarding positive behavior will be much more effective in disciplining your child than punishment. You need to consistently encourage good behavior and find ways to reward your child. Your child will learn that positive behavior will create positive outcomes. Think about some rewards you are willing to give. Try to be consistent with your rewards as well and show that those rewards are just as predictable as a disciplinary measure. Don’t forget to often remind your child how much you love her/him and how proud you are of her/him.
On the other side of the scale, you should always avoid excessive punishment (such as bodily harm or extended isolation) and refrain from imposing rules on the other parent.
Stay away from extreme behavior such as providing a free for all on the one side or harsh punishments on the other. Do not blame disciplinary problems on the other parent and do not engage in alienation. If you are the target of alienation, you need to make sure that you do not lose your temper in front of your children, that you do not reject your child, that you keep actively pursuing the contact with your child, that you do not dismiss their feelings, that you do not accuse them and that you do not bad-mouth the other parent.
As tough as it may appear, consider discipline as your chance to teach respect.
Of course this basic advice will not work in every case. I am aware of some examples in which the scenarios are much more complex, especially when medical issues are part of the problem or if there is substantial negative influence from other environments your child is exposed to. If you feel lost and you cannot get control of disciplining your child, do not hesitate to look for professional help from a counselor. Waiting and hoping that the situation gets better while you realize that the opposite is the case is not the best choice you can make.
You have made your own experiences – bad or good? Share your thoughts below and in our forum!
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About the Author: Wolfgang Gruener is the editor of Single Parent Gossip.
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