Hot Toys November 2009
Get ready for Christmas: Here are 10 Hot Toys You Should Know About!Read more ...
Letters To A Cheating Spouse:
Chapter 2, Part 4: Getting Over You
It seems our story has made the rounds in the neighborhood and I always wondered whether I will be the poor fool who was cheated on or whether you will be the one who will be talked about as the one who cheated on her husband. It may be a bit of both, but it is a conservative neighborhood and I am surprised that I already can deal with the somewhat nasty remarks about you I hear from some dads who seem to know what is going on.
Strangely enough and despite the accusations that I talk too much, I got so much feedback I did not expect. When you complained to me that I must have said something to close friends, because they ignored you, I asked them directly why they ignored you, since I actually had not talked to them.
They knew about your cheating already. Remember, you told them? Maybe not everything, though.
So Steve told me that they were not very happy that they caught you lying a few times and that was why they created some distance to you. I told you that I asked them about this issue and you decided to write them an apparently lengthy email accusing me of talking too much, again. Steve told me about that email and said he and Alice felt very uncomfortable with that email and decided to ignore it. So, it makes me just think if you will ever understand what really happened. Lesson learned: At some point, others are simply not a part of our problems anymore and they get bored and feel uncomfortable when being exposed to our issues.
The overall reaction of our neighborhood and some friends turned out to be quite interesting. I would be interested in what is talked about me behind my back. Of course, I only know about those who are making fun of you, stating that you are great at ‘getting down on your knees,’ and there are those who encourage me to play everything I have against you. Here is a message example, it relates to me stating in the preceding message that I have begun planning my future, my life after you and that I am not sure whether I am treating you fair by playing certain cards:
“Well I suspected something similar. That’s great! I hope it goes well and keeps you in town. You certainly deserve to be happy after all this crap. […] Regarding you possibly being a jerk about some stuff … I don’t buy it. You were dealt a hand by Jillian, and you just have to play it out so you and the kids end up happy. Not your fault.”
So I am worried that I am treating you not fairly after I have been hurt so much and others tell me that I need to go ahead and do what I think is right for the kids and me. Not for you. A difficult lesson to learn.
But they are right. You and I have stopped working with each other a long time ago, sadly. If this is what it has to be, then this is what it will be. I will play my best cards, if I have to, for the next 17 years, to protect my children and me from your decisions. To keep a safe distance between you and me. This painful event from your past will always be with you, not with me.
Sorry for the jump to another topic. Let me get back to what I was talking about, the getting over you.
So, every day I went down to sleep in the basement earlier this year, I asked myself: If she asked me to work it out, would I be willing to do it as well? For a long time, my heart was with you and the answer was a hopeful and heartfelt “yes”. I would have jumped for you into a raging river, walked through blazing fire and jumped from any building. I would have done anything humanly possible and beyond to make our marriage work. I would have moved mountains for you, picked stars from the sky. When I learned what had happened and what you said why you were unhappy, I listened to you and I changed. I cut my work hours, I began taking care of myself again. I began spending much more time with you and the boys. I learned and I like the person and father I am today.
You said that your boyfriend is a better role model as a father than me, which I personally found the cruelest thing you have ever said to me. Perhaps that was payback for me saying that I do not believe that you are a good mother. But I am happy with what I am for them today and it confirms my notion that you make choices on various levels a mother simply would not make.
If you occasionally say I ruin my children’s lives, these thoughts pop up and it makes me cry emotionally that you do not see that you have played a huge role in this situation, a situation that virtually forced me to a point of no return. That I have to deal with the fact that you run away from this situation by blaming everything on me and believe that everything you do is justified.
They say, if you understand what impact your cheating has and you feel guilty, the guilt may be so overpowering that you automatically begin blaming your spouse for what you have done. I often have to think if this is what is happening here. I simply think that what I am blamed for is not right, but I have no other choice but to deal with it. Fair?
But I have little choice, remember, the law lets you do it and I have little room to complain. It is what it is. But, perhaps many years from now, you will get exhausted from running away, and the truth will catch up with you. I am far from telling you what you told me, that I should ‘go to hell’ or ‘burn in hell’, but one day you won’t be able to run anymore and you will have to face what you have done. You will feel just as alone as I felt over the past few months. It may sound a bit mean, I agree, but I told you that I will be honest and this is how I feel. There were enough instances over the past few months that showed me that life is not as unfair as I believed it was. That notion gives me comfort and a certain peace of mind.
When you laughed at me and said that I begged you on my knees to try to work things out, while you were only willing to give me only one percent, I knew instantly that you were not the person anymore I once loved so much, the person I was willing to give up everything for. It was the first day that I told myself, no, I do not want to make it work again. You were not the one I wanted to share my life and values with.
It was time to stop chasing what I felt was gone anyway, but what I was not ready to accept was indeed gone. It was time to part ways and accept your decision that you wanted a divorce. It was tough, but your behavior, which, hopefully one day you will realize was incredibly cruel in so many ways, helped me understand that I should distance myself from you as much as I can. As quickly as I could. In the end, I learned that I was able to accept almost instantly what others may only be able to accept in many years. I never thought that you can go from loving somebody with all that you have to hate and then to someone you do not care for anymore. But I could. In some way, you made it easy and perhaps that was your way of giving me a way out of my trapped emotions.
More Lifecasts: Allison Nazarian | Shannon Ball | Letters To A Cheating Spouse
About the Author: A man sends letters to his cheating spouse. Read how the story developed, his experiences and lessons over time.
